Learning to Be Alone

I have always been afraid to be alone. Being alone is really a terrifying thing especially when you’ve never been alone before.

Growing up as a child, I never truly felt alone. I was always very involved with sports and a ton of other activities. I always had friends and had people to depend on. There was only one time when I was growing up that I felt alone. I was in the eighth grade and felt like the whole world was against me. No one knew that I was feeling this way because I was very good at keeping things to myself. I would cry into my pillow at night and feel like I would never be worth it. I didn’t think that anyone believed in me. Luckily, once I got to high school I met new people and finally felt like I belonged a little bit more.

Recently I have felt so alone. I’m no longer an angsty depressed teenager like I once was but now I feel alone in a more intense way than I ever have. Dave leaving to go to Navy boot camp was very hard for me to cope with. I had been terrified for him to leave for a year. I kept trying to convince him that he didn’t have to go but I knew that I could never change his mind.

Dave leaving meant that I would be alone in our apartment with our two cats. It meant that I wouldn’t have my best friend by my side whenever I needed him or just simply wanted him to be around. We had been living together for six months by the time that he left. This meant that I had six months to get used to having him with me for the majority of the time. Of course when I was in school I was busier and didn’t spend as much time with him. Once my summer break started, I quit my job because it wasn’t making me happy and it was closed for the summer anyway. I spent two months without a job because no one was getting back to me. This meant that Dave was my life. I spent so much time with him. The only time I wasn’t with him was when he was at work. Other than that, we were glued to each other.

I’m so lucky that my boyfriend is my best friend. I never thought that I would be able to have a relationship like that. Because he is my best friend, saying goodbye was extremely difficult. Saying goodbye meant that I would have to be alone for four months. Sure I have my cats but they mostly entertain themselves and don’t bother to spend any time with me unless they want food.

If the fall semester had started around the time he left, it would be so much easier. I would be so busy and doing a lot and I wouldn’t have any time to be alone. But right now I am literally just stuck in my apartment with no way to keep myself entertained. Everything that I do bores me. I go to the gym occasionally (probably not as much as I should) but that only keeps me distracted for a few hours. Sitting at home alone is the most agonizing thing. Being stuck in my head all of the time is killing me.

I know that it is extremely important to be independent and to know how to strive on your own but I am struggling. I had been doing pretty well for a few weeks. I started my new job but it is only on the weekends so I have the whole week to myself. I started doing more crafts that I used to do a lot. I have watched an excessive amount of Netflix (probably something I shouldn’t be too proud of but I’ve caught up on some shows). I have gone to the pool and read books. I have tended to my succulent plants. I have watched hours of health and fitness videos to learn new things. Now I feel like I have worn myself out by trying to keep busy. Today I woke up and felt worse than I have for awhile. Sure some nights get pretty lonely falling asleep in my apartment but when I woke up today I felt so incredibly alone. I felt as if I was the only person in the world and I would never see Dave again.

The fall semester starts in about a month and I hope this next month flies by because I can’t wait to have a place to go to everyday. Once school starts I feel like I will have more to do than I ever need. I wish that things were more spread out. Once school starts I am taking six classes (eighteen units), I am starting my second job as a Peer Ambassador, and I am going to start taking some dance classes (let’s be real…I miss dancing so much). Once I have more things to do, I won’t feel so lonely.

I told myself that I am taking these four months to focus on myself. The problem is that being stuck with myself and my thoughts everyday is really hard. I don’t think anyone can learn to be alone when that is the situation, it is hard to stay sane. I believe that I will be able to take time to work on myself if I have more to do. It isn’t very easy to stay motivated when you have the whole day to do things.

I strive with a busy schedule. I can plan out exactly how everything is going to be and not have a single free moment. I can be productive and get things done.

Sure I am having trouble learning to be alone right now but I believe that as my schedule picks up, this whole alone thing will feel empowering. There is nothing like a busy schedule that can make you feel accomplished and able to take on the world.

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